THIS IS WHY YOU L O S T ME

Sunday, March 29, 2015


{an essay for ENGL13}

Loving you was a great adventure. We were each others’ best friend, and things slowly turned into something more than that. We became the perfect pair, a force to be reckoned with. We turned into a pair of lovesick puppies and told each other our dreams. I told you that I wanted to be a lawyer, and you told me that you were going to be an architect and build us the most beautiful home I have ever laid eyes on. I laughed with you and cried with you, and I felt safe doing both. You are the one person I never thought I would lose, but I guess I thought wrong. I noticed a disconnection after a while- I noticed the way your eyes seemed vacant when I was talking to you and the way you snapped at me because of every little thing. I thought I knew every single dusty corner of your soul but you started to turn into a stranger I couldn't understand. In the months leading to the end of our high school graduation, you taught me how to love. But the summer after high school, you taught me how to turn around and walk away. You lost me because you blamed me for everything, you made me feel like I wasn't worth the fight, and you made me lose parts of myself.

You lost me because you blamed me for everything that went wrong. Whenever we had a fight it was always me who was made out to be the villain, no matter how small the issue was. Do you remember the fight we had because we got into trouble for being late for graduation rehearsal? Rehearsals were supposed to be at 8:30 but you told me that it would start at 10 and you would pick me up by 9:30. Like all the other little fights, it was no big deal but you started yelling that it was my entire fault for being slow and clueless. The big fights were the worst though- they showed me the ugliest sides of you but you still managed to make me feel like I was the ugly one. After graduation you went to a party and had a drinking session with all of our other guy friends. You called me at around 3am for reasons I couldn't imagine but I was already asleep by then and didn't pick up. Our friends said that you drank even more after that and your best friend had to hail a cab to take you home before you could do more damage to yourself. You ended up puking all over the cab and the driver got furious, demanded that you pay for repairs, and reported you for underage drinking. I was shell-shocked when I found out and left you a million messages asking you to call me and begged you to tell me if you were safe and okay. When you finally called back, I held my phone with shaking hands and felt my heart crumble into a million pieces when you yelled at me and told me that the whole thing was my fault because I didn't pick up my phone when you needed me to and that it forced you to drink even more. When you were finally done with your litany and hung up, a part of me almost believed you.

Also, you lost me because you made me feel like I wasn't worth the fight. You never lowered your pride for me. I waited and waited for you to tell me that you were sorry and that you were wrong, but you never reached out to me after our big argument. I was the one who lowered my pride and texted you a dozen apologies before things became remotely okay between us. Then, you talked about going to a university in Manila to start from scratch and leave behind all of the mistakes you made. I supported you and wanted you to go through with it if it meant that you could finally go back to the person you once were, but then you told me that going to Manila would mean leaving me behind. You said it so nonchalantly, so offhandedly, as if it was just a side thought. It was as if I was part of ‘the mistakes’ you made here. I gathered up all of the confidence I could muster and told you that I was okay with being left behind. We could still make our relationship work despite the distance; I was willing to be strong and fight for what we had. You didn't say anything but I saw the answer in your downcast eyes- you didn't want to make things work. I felt the hole tearing open in my chest and I felt the clouds weighing down on the top of my head. I had to ask myself how it is that the same person who lifted my soul and made me feel like I was on top of the world was the one who ultimately tore me into the tiniest, most broken, fragile pieces. That was when I started to wonder, should I really keep on fighting for someone who can’t be bothered to fight for me?

Lastly, you lost me because I realized that I lost parts of myself by being with you. In the days leading to your departure for Manila, I didn't want to see anyone. I lay in bed with the curtains drawn and felt nothingness washing over me like a sluggish wave. I became detached from my best friends and family because you consumed my mind day and night. They knocked on my bedroom door every day and invited me to go out and live a little but I always refused. I didn't want anyone to know that I cried every day and night. An endless trail of tears drained my body and soul each night and painted my sheets when my head hit the pillow. I was falling so hard for you and the sudden drop left me with bloody knees and a spineless back. I lost nearly all of my confidence then. You made me feel like I was worthless and that no one could every love a person like me. I never had the energy to do anything else other than stare at the ceiling of my room and wonder where I went wrong and what I did to make me lose you. I eventually got sick of the person I've become, the weakling you've turned me into. I forced myself to get up and smile a little more every day. I spent time with the friends who spent so much time trying to force me out of my depression and they became my strength. The day before you left you tried to ensnare me again with your soft eyes and sweet words, asking me to come back to you. By that time, I was already strong enough; I was already filled with the love that my friends gave me and it gave me the courage to turn around and walk away. I couldn't let you hurt me any longer because life is too short to repeatedly get your heart broken by the same person. That was the day I decided that I didn't lose you- you were the one who lost me.

It’s been almost a year since you lost me. The few times we've seen each other have been bittersweet. We catch up, both in silent acknowledgement that we once were each other’s world and time has made turned us into strangers. You always tell me that you never understood why I chose to give you up, and here’s my answer: all I ever wanted was to be wanted, to be needed, to have someone who really wanted to make me feel happy. You used to be that person for me and I used to be that person for you, but I guess some people who fall in love with each other aren't always right for each other. I’m not mad at you, but getting over you wasn't easy. There were days when I missed you terribly and longed for your presence, but there were also days when I couldn't help but blame you for making a part of me believe that the people I love would leave me in the end. Sometimes I still have to take a deep breath and tell myself that not everyone will break me like you did. These days I’m falling so deeply in love with a boy with soft brown eyes, slender hands, and the most adorable smile. The feelings I’m starting to have for him are scaring me to death, but I hope that I’ll find the strength to face these feelings with the same sincerity I had when I first told you that I loved you. Loving you was a great adventure, but I think moving on from you has made me strong enough to face an even bigger one.

The Selkie Reads Stories

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1 comments

  1. I like it. All of life is an adventure, we just need to make sure we let things change.

    /Avy

    http://mymotherfuckedmickjagger.blogspot.com


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